I dreamt about your first words. In the early days that was all I could ever think about, as days dragged into weeks and weeks into months of an agonising wait game.
“How have you been, kiddo?”
After three years of respectful silence these are hardly the first words I had imagined. But again, words between us have always been a luxury we could ill-afford. You looked at me with the same searing urgency as years past, anticipating my reply, and knowing that I would never break the code.
“I’ve been well. And you, how’s Canada?”
I’ve missed you. When are you leaving again?
There was a time when your presence had meant so much to me. You saw me at my most vulnerable and yet, you anchored me in turbulent seas, as it were. It wasn’t long before I felt myself changing – flourishing almost – under your unreserved nurture and care.
I knew you took pride in me, too. Your eyes would linger on me for just a little longer. The mention of my name across a crowded room had the power to capture you mid-conversation. You searched me for my thoughts, on some of the most meaningful and most trivial things, and we would debate them for hours on end. Perhaps for a moment in time, I had meant something to you, too.
If every moment was a paradox of now or never, however, we were unequivocal in our choice.
It didn’t mean anything when you smiled only at me.
It didn’t mean anything when you embraced me in jubilant joy.
It didn’t mean anything when you held me as I laughed and cried at the same time.
None of it meant anything because we both knew you were leaving.
It didn’t occur to me to ask you to stay, insignificant as I was to you back then, and it wouldn’t occur to me now.
I take a sip of my coffee as I sit across from you, brimming with happy and sombre nostalgia at seeing you again. For now, I would relish in the moment and that would be enough. And tomorrow, everything would be as it has always been between us. It will be a race to forget, I say, and that will be the story we tell ourselves.
A race to forget.
10 Comments Add yours
(LOVED THIS POST!!!)… both the beginning… so interestingly written and second I love the Pictures.
Thank you so much this made my day ☺️
I hope you and your family are coping well during the coronavirus… It must give you more time to bond and hope you don’t need to go back to India anytime soon!!
No travel for me for a while… (it is nice not going some where far from my family every month). We are well… and I hope you are well!
No travelling is probably not a bad thing under the circumstances…
I’ve been working from home for 3 months and almost forgetting what it’s like to talk to a real person other than my immediate family! 😅
Very thoughtful and reflective words, Jolene. People and memories can be bittersweet, and at the end of the day we tend to be glad for the experiences. Wonderful images too of Canada. Hope you are doing well and take care.
Hi Mabel, thank you for visiting and your very kind comment. You are so right, isn’t it best to have “loved and lost, than not to have loved at all”?
My mum and I thoroughly enjoyed Canada! We were lucky to have visited before this year’s virus.
We are fine in sunny Sydney, just staying at home much more than usual. I hope you and your family are all well and staying safe! ☺️
Incredible scenery. I would love to see it one day, Jolene!
Thank you! ☺️
Beautiful images and heartfelt words. ❤
Thank you Manja, good to see you and hope you stay well! ☺️