I was reminded of you when someone asked if I have seen you lately. It has been a while, I said. 5 years, almost, since I have last seen you. Although at times, it seemed more like 5 days.
I wonder how you are.
I am not one to dwell on what has happened, or why, or how. I only take solace in the belief that what has happened is for the best, and allows us to preserve the most wholesome memories of each other.
I remember all that you have taught me and even what has been left unsaid. I have grown richer in the knowledge that someone like you has once looked out for someone like me. Of this, I am immensely grateful. But I wonder, if you are still fiercely protective, and if it has all been worth it.
If I am true to myself, there are times that I wonder if I will ever see you again, speak to you again, or have the simple pleasure of your company, even if to bid you goodbye. It has pained me to think that we have so skilfully eschewed a proper farewell, like not saying goodbye would give us an opportunity to resume old relations in the not too distant future. Many a time have I imagined myself turning a corner and, there you’d be, as if we have never parted.
Of course, we have our reasons for parting. And the fault was mine alone. I acted no better than an impetuous child having a tiff with her wise, old parents. These days, I bear the consequences of my impetuosity and wear them as a poignant reminder of what has been lost.
Looking back, I wonder how you could have treated me with so much kindness, when I had little to offer by way of return. I wonder how I could have been blind to it all, and indeed, blind to my own blindness. Nonetheless (and almost against my will), I wonder who is the lucky beneficiary of your kindness now. And if she realises how truly lucky she is.
After all these years, I cannot say that my feelings towards you are as strong as ever. They have succumbed to the separation of time and space, and have mellowed to something akin to a transient curiosity. I’m sure likewise it has been no different with you. But there are times, like now, that I wonder:
Have you missed me?
Do you miss me?
And I wonder, if you wonder about me, too…
The above “Dear You” is a series of letters which I hope to address to my past associates (at least incognito). Despite varying degrees of affinity, all of them have nonetheless enriched my life and helped to shape who I am today. Inspiration for this piece has been taken from the Australian short film “I Miss You”, directed by Nick L’Barrow. It remains one of my favourite short films, with an evocative balance of nostalgia and tender affections that one reserves for that special someone.
“I Miss You” – Short Film by Nick L’Barrow
I know we haven’t seen each other, or even talked to each other in a while, but I want you to know that I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I want you to know that…I miss you. Not I regret what happened, or I want to see you again, just, I miss you. Just…I miss you.
It’s so strange to think that someone I knew so well is now a total stranger to me, that sometimes I go entire days without thinking about you. Most of the time, I let myself forget. Because it’s easier. But then I find something, a photo, a gift, these stupid love letters that we used to give each other, and the full weight of what’s been lost crashes down on me.
Part of me wants to see you again, to hold you again, to kiss you again. But all of those feelings become empty thoughts when I look back now, remembering that love isn’t always what it seems. It’s just so easy to forget.
But this isn’t regret. We had our reasons for ending it, and they are as valid as ever. But back at the start, we didn’t need any reasons to fall in love. We just did… The reasons came at the end. And everything since then has been about reasons. And that’s good. It means that one day, I will find someone who I won’t have to say goodbye to. But a part of me just misses loving someone, and having them love you back. That’s all.
I guess what I am saying is, I hope things are good with you. I hope everything is great. I hope everything is great… I hope you have found a love that’s all the things ours couldn’t be. But just a small part of me hopes that you still remember what it is like before all the reasons, and that, you miss me, too…